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Colors That Weren't Real

Colors that were not real
Highs that did not last

Walking
Realizing the horror of needing to change
Unable to connect with reality

My heart would not let me touch anyone in a clean way
Living, struggling with maladies
Change seemed impossible

How can you have a proper fear of death
When
You know so little about life

Lonely, forcing others to notice me
Being different was no different
Because
I was neither

Doing nothing
Except aching in separation of life
Always despairing for friends

Walk
Thumb
Drive
Fly
Grey Dog
Getting there was not the issue

Arriving and leaving the same
Never finding soil to die in, never coming to life
Living only for pleasure is being dead

Curse you for going to McDonald’s
For taking your children there
Curse as I would nod on smack (heroin)
You scum, not even I would go to Mc Donald’s

Been down Hwy 41
Doobied with the brothers
Johnny Winters white as snow
Space Cowboy orbiting at his ranch in California
Humble Pie, Quick Silver
It’s a Beautiful Day
How many of you now sell real estate, cars or insurance

Someone played Moody Blues through the night
His fingers bled the next morning
Was there really a bearded lady standing on the corner throwing up the color of money
To a father-less child I could sing a sad song ?

Oh God I am so afraid of you
And
My evil heart

Duluth Minnesota
Chilling shores of Lake Superior
The blackness of your water
Causes me to fear

Smoking pot
Inhaling
Loving what I hated

You never cut me with a knife
But
Your words made me leave

On a plane sitting next to a priest dressed like a crow
Do you think I could stop the LSD
And listen to your words
Words that were not even saving you

Dick Nixon has to go
Then all will be well
Believing this, soon released greater disappointment

We crawled under houses
Crossed borders
Crosby Stills Nash and Young
How your words fed us and left us to hunger

Woodstock was a long way from Chattanooga Tennessee
I was cool enough to see the movie barefoot

Stoned
Loved it
Then realized, been that way every day for 4 years and could not stop
But
Could help you start

With my loneliness and insecurity
I preyed upon others for friendship
Knowing I had nothing to offer

Jumping Jack Flash was stenciled on my Volkswagen
Even though I hated the words and lips of Mick Jagger
He was like me, he was not real
So was my dog and I gave it away to become like someone else

Boulder Colorado
Sitting with a blind woman
Telling her about how beautiful the day was
About the parade of clouds over us
Trees dancing in the wind
How one curtsied when she passed

The grass is green, yet no one could see it grow
How nice her street was, and the bright white trim on her house
It was so beautiful knowing she could only see me in her heart
Walking away looking back as she sat in the summer sun
I thought
We should all be this way

Mom was so young with 4 children
Its like we all had to grow up together
Just today she told me
She was sorry for leaving me at home and going out to have fun
Just today
I said, I forgive you for that
Knowing, no one will prosper unless we forget our injuries

I am 51 and born the same year
Two days ago
Bugs hit my windshield
Spreading out their life in front of me
Their death stuck to my window

Being so miserable
The only thing that made me happy was to make others miserable

It takes a community
For GOD to rescue someone like me
He provides a home for the lonely, not a place to be
But
A place to belong

If you have something better than what I have found and given my life to
PLEASE
Come get me and I will be there with all my heart for the rest of my life

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